I am a terrible person

Daily Blog Post 399

I am a terrible person.

In yesterday’s blog post, I said that the best person I know is myself, because, I can only say I truly know myself. I can’t judge other people and say that I know all their nuances and thoughts and machinations of their mind. We are all enigmas. So in a self-aware narcissistic way, yes, I am the best person I know.

So instead, today, I want to talk about why I am a terrible person. But I’ll approach it from a less philosophical standpoint.

Why am I a terrible person?

Because I do things I know I shouldn’t do.

I manage to push people away. People I think could make good friends. But I make irrational decisions.

I procrastinate and fail to chase my dreams. I have all these ideas that will never come to fruition because my procrastination overwhelms me. Even now, I am procrastinating my homework and am instead writing this. Ironic, isn’t it?

I put myself in situations where I am bound to get hurt. This one is a bit iffy though. I value vulnerability. I think the most precious moments in life, in hindsight, are moments where you allow yourself to be vulnerable. Keyword is in hindsight. When I mess up a magic trick in public, I am incredibly vulnerable. The next step for me is to learn from that feeling, improve myself, and be comfortable with failure. Rejection. Failure. Missteps. Showing your body to the world. Showing your mind to the world. Sharing your writing. These are all vulnerable states that I constantly enter. I put myself in these vulnerable situations and I sometimes hate myself for it, but I know in the future that I can only move forward.

I am a terrible person because I dwell too much.

Why am I even writing this post? Because I use my posts to learn to move on. Move on to another phase. So instead of dwelling on these inconsequential moments in life, these small mistakes, these missteps, I need to just keep on keeping on. The good thing is, I am aware of these things and I know how I can improve and be better.

December 20th. That’s the date I am aiming for.

I need to go home. I need to reset my mind and rest and see my family and friends.

I need to take a break. It’s been a rocky semester.

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