There’s more

Daily blog post 401

There’s always more to the story

Whether you like it or not

If you make everything based on face value then you’ve lost the depth of the situation

Use perspective and look for the whole story

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How vulnerable am I?

Daily Blog post 400

How vulnerable am I?

I believe that premeditated vulnerability is paradoxically the most powerful state you can put yourself in.

We all have insecurities. Baggage that holds us down. Some heavier than others. Some are different colors, different shapes. Some look big but inside there’s nothing but empty space. Some are compact. But each to our own.

Last year I found out how difficult it can be to travel alone with three large suitcases. I needed some help. I was vulnerable, but I was too embarrassed to ask for help when I clearly needed it.

Vulnerability is scary. Can you deliberately place yourself in a vulnerable situation?

We do it every day in subtle ways. When we walk past a friend, we look up, expecting them to make eye contact back, hoping that they acknowledge you. You place yourself in a vulnerable situation because they now have the power to simply ignore you, or look down at their phone. You might end up smiling at empty space.

Or maybe a random Asian kid approaches you on campus and asks if you want to see a magic trick. You have the power to decline. You have the power to say “no”. I’m vulnerable, because I have no control of your response. And wow, does it feel extremely awkward to get rejected. 

Or you’re free falling from the sky. Skydiving. You have nothing to hold on to but yourself and the air. You are not grounded. Yet, at the point of highest fear and vulnerability, instead, you feel bliss.

Vulnerability is scary. But when you cross that threshold of vulnerability and fear, you can see on the other side which is pleasure. There is no pleasure without risk. There is no bliss without vulnerability. There is no acceptance without insecurities.

Acceptance of self is not a lack of insecurity; rather, acceptance is the acknowledgement of your vulnerability. Acceptance is seeing the baggage and picking it up.

Image result for baggage ted mosby

I am a terrible person

Daily Blog Post 399

I am a terrible person.

In yesterday’s blog post, I said that the best person I know is myself, because, I can only say I truly know myself. I can’t judge other people and say that I know all their nuances and thoughts and machinations of their mind. We are all enigmas. So in a self-aware narcissistic way, yes, I am the best person I know.

So instead, today, I want to talk about why I am a terrible person. But I’ll approach it from a less philosophical standpoint.

Why am I a terrible person?

Because I do things I know I shouldn’t do.

I manage to push people away. People I think could make good friends. But I make irrational decisions.

I procrastinate and fail to chase my dreams. I have all these ideas that will never come to fruition because my procrastination overwhelms me. Even now, I am procrastinating my homework and am instead writing this. Ironic, isn’t it?

I put myself in situations where I am bound to get hurt. This one is a bit iffy though. I value vulnerability. I think the most precious moments in life, in hindsight, are moments where you allow yourself to be vulnerable. Keyword is in hindsight. When I mess up a magic trick in public, I am incredibly vulnerable. The next step for me is to learn from that feeling, improve myself, and be comfortable with failure. Rejection. Failure. Missteps. Showing your body to the world. Showing your mind to the world. Sharing your writing. These are all vulnerable states that I constantly enter. I put myself in these vulnerable situations and I sometimes hate myself for it, but I know in the future that I can only move forward.

I am a terrible person because I dwell too much.

Why am I even writing this post? Because I use my posts to learn to move on. Move on to another phase. So instead of dwelling on these inconsequential moments in life, these small mistakes, these missteps, I need to just keep on keeping on. The good thing is, I am aware of these things and I know how I can improve and be better.

December 20th. That’s the date I am aiming for.

I need to go home. I need to reset my mind and rest and see my family and friends.

I need to take a break. It’s been a rocky semester.

The best person

Daily Blog Post 398

Who is the best person you know?

If you had asked me this question a few years ago, I would have instantly responded with “my sister”

But now, I’d probably answer that question in a more self-aware narcissistic way: the best person I know is myself.

Not because I don’t think my sister is amazing. She is. But, I think I need to look at this question differently.

I grew up admiring my sister; I put her up on this pedestal as invincible. But, as John Green says in Paper Towns, “‘What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person.” In childhood, I thought my mother loved her more. Teachers liked her more. Her grades were better. She was mature, smart, responsible. I played piano because she did, went to Chinese class and felt bad for how behind I was, and I even tried to pick up art and illustration at one point. And to me, those were all things I was supposedly meant to emulate.

But as I grew up, I started to find my own identity. I followed different passions. I created my own path.

In today’s readings in my Human Person class, we said that it was possible to know something and not love them, but then discussed whether it was possible to love something without knowing them. God was used in this context. Do we truly know God?

I spun it in a different way because I don’t follow a religion.

Can I truly know someone else?

I barely know myself… and all these spiraling thoughts from my mind that often run rampant. In fact, I often surprise myself with emotions, with actions, with feelings, with thoughts. Patrick Star said it best: “the inner machinations of my mind are an enigma”

But to love something is to discern that the thing you love is good and just, or at least is actively attempting to achieve that good we all seek.

So I love my sister. I love my friends and family. I love certain people, certain places, certain books, certain things.

And I love myself. So therefore, I am either good and just, or am actively working towards such. 

And because I barely know myself, how can I know what other people are truly like? If I never know them at their best and worst. It might be impossible to fully know who someone else is. Nonetheless, I still love other people.

But because I love myself, and because I am attempting to be good, and because I know myself the best out of anyone in this world, then I must answer that I am the best person I know.

If I were to answer with anyone else, then that would mean I am making a judgement call that I know what other people are like and distinguishing individuals from myself. But I don’t know who you are. Or who my sister is. Or who my family is. Not to a full extent that I can discern who they truly are.

And so, I am the best person I know.

Subsequently, I am also the worst person I know. You don’t want to know what cynical thoughts I have up there…

Loving my body

Daily Blog post 397: “Loving my Body”

Up until high school, I would pretend that I forgot to bring a change of clothes for PE class so I could sit out and didn’t have to expose my legs and arms.

When I was 10, my class went to Watermania for a field trip. I opted to stay home instead because one of my friends called me fat and I didn’t want the girl I had a crush on to see me in a vulnerable state.

When times got bad in high school, I’d hide in the bathroom during recess and breaks. I’d skip class because I thought everyone would be staring at me, and I couldn’t show myself to the world.

I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t insecure about my body.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have chronic eczema, but I don’t want that to define me. I don’t want that to hold me back anymore from living life to my fullest.

The past few months I’ve been actively learning to love my own skin. The 10 minutes I meditate every day has been helping, just being conscious and aware of my body. Working out, eating healthier, and just practicing self-care and self-love.

It’s not really about physical fitness though. I don’t care if I have a 6-pack, or if I have a bit more on my belly. (just more of me to love!)

But in about a year, it’s crazy to see how much my body has changed. And when I look back at the blog posts I wrote in the past year, from my first blog to the blogs I wrote in Singapore to the ones I wrote in Shanghai to the posts I wrote last week. They all show growth. They are bits of my past, showing small steps I’ve taken to self-love and self-care.

I can’t stress this enough, and I want all my friends and family to take care of themselves as well. I’ve neglected self-love, but I now see how important it is.

I don’t have the perfect body, and to this day I’m still incredibly insecure about it. But I’m learning to love my own skin, because, well, I’m stuck with it.

You have to learn to love yourself first before you can expect love from others.

Happy December everyone. I hope you all try to love yourself a bit more.
Also, a thank you to all my friends who have taught me to love my own body a bit more, either actively, or just by being my friend. Thanks, ❤

Good Jeff Wang

Daily Blog Post 396

Dear Jeff,

I’m writing to you because I heard around the grapevine that you listen. I think you are in a good place right now. Not a great place, but a good place.

You’ve done a lot this semester, and I honestly, you’ve been a little too harsh on yourself.

Did I get a 4.0 GPA? No. But at least I won’t be regretting the fact that I never put myself out there and be questioning “What if?” in all the opportunities that I would have easily passed up on just a year ago, or even just a few months ago.

The only time I regret not studying more for a test is immediately after the test, and that regret lasts maybe a few hours at most.

To this day, I still regret not asking asking out my best friend in high school to prom, or asking out that pretty girl in high school, or starting that poetry club I always wanted to start, or performing poetry, or learning to dance, play more violin, learn to drive, travel more…

You get the idea.

Your life will continue to spiral. The cycle will continue. Just remember to rebound when you hit the trough, and make sure to really enjoy those peaks.

Anyways, I’m ready to keep on keeping on. To keep trying. To putting myself out there into life. To be a Good Jeff Wang, in my own way. How do you like them apples?

Ruin my life

I want you to walk all over me

Break me down

Then pick me back up

I want you to ruin my life

Not make it worse

Instead, I want you to change everything I know about friendship

About love

About being with someone you genuinely care about

I want you to ruin my life so I understand that what I was doing before wasn’t living, I was simply waiting for you to come into my world

I don’t understand anything about humanity which means I probably understand everything I need to know